Getting to know me.

Have been thinking bout my pass lately. Well, let see what I have been thinking. I was thinking bout my family, dad, mom, sis, younger sisters, second mom, god-mom, god-dad(just pass away in January) and my childhood.

If you notice, I have two moms, as in my dad has two wife. It's quite common for my dad's generation I guess but I do come from a "complex" family. I don't think I am from a "broken family" because we are very close knitted as a family and no one is broken. Kekekekkee...

Maybe I'll explain why I said my family is complex. First of all, let me say that my dad is a very good father, but he is not a very good husband (to both his wives). In fact, he was abusive towards them. In other words, he was a wife/wives beater. It started when I was still very young. I'm not even sure if the beating has started when I was younger but the first time I accounter my dad beat my mom was when I was six. Then he was having an affair with an Indian lady.

To make matter worst, or my growing up worst, was my cowardness towards my dad. I was so afraid of him until I dare not do anything to stop him from beating my mom. The first time I saw him beat my mom, I pretended to play with my toy car while my sis tried to stop him by pulling him away. I didn't know what to do and that became me for many years to come. I was always the child that stand aside and dare not interfere when my dad do his beating. The rest of my siblings will stand in between to stop him, but not me.

I was so ashamed of myself and became very timid and shy. I dare not do anything at home or in school. I was even bullied by a girl in Kindergarden! I don't dare to perform for my Kindergarden graduation even though my teacher encouraged me to (she saw me doing the dance went the rest was practicing on stage). I was psychologically broken. My younger sis has no respect for me because of my cowardness and they hate my for bossing around them.

But things changed when I was in primary school. The Indian lady ran away as she didn't want to break up my family (God bless her), but my dad get into another affair. And this time, she was pregnant with his baby. So she ended up being our second mom (I feel the word stepmom inappropriate as my mom is still married to my dad). The beating continue and she became a victim too soon after.

I hated my dad so much that once during my secondary school days, I took out a "Rambo" knive that I bought and though of how to kill my dad. I was sitting in my so call bedroom cum everyone's dinning room, and repeatedly stabbing the knive into a cardboard. I think I lost it for a while but thank God I didn't do anything stupid.

The first time I stood up to him when he beat my mom was when I was in JC (Form 6 in Malaysia). I was studying on the second storey when I heard something down in the shop (my dad used to own a laundry shop). I went down to find my dad had just beaten my mom. I was so angry that I closed my fists and stared hard at him and didn't say a word. He was very uneasy by that and after pacing up and down the shop, he shouted at me and said if I want to fight, let's go out of the shop and fight! I still didn't say a word and stared even harder at him. My mom hold me back and he left.

I cried after he left and went to the back lane and bang my fists on a piece of plank till my hand almost bleed. Everyone was supprised that I stood up to him, after keeping silence for so long. My dad didn't dare to beat or shout at my moms whenever I'm around. And I never speak to him after that.

I never want to erase these memories, not that I can, because it made me who I am today. If it is not because of my dad (through the bad things he has done to my moms) my family would not be so close knitted as now. I seldom shows my love to my siblings or my parents, but they know I love them dearly, even my dad (there's another story behind this). I love them and I'll never change the memories I have with them, ever.

So to my friends who don't know this part of my life (doubt anyone of you knows as I never share this to anyone before), don't "blame" your pass nor your parents, for everything that's happening now. You cannot change your pass, but you decide on your future.

Akerue, cheer up my friend. Let bygone be bygone. Be strong and know that I am here for you. Learn from your mistake and guard your heart carefully. Look thoroughly before you jump into another relationship.

More of my life stories to come.=)
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" - 2 Corinthians 5:17