Cute little girl and Psalm 23

The Other Me

I guess some of you who read my previous post about myself might think that I was a wuss when I was in school. The fact is, I was not! Hehehehehe... You might think that I'm trying to "save face", but anyone who knew me back in school will tell you that I am no wussy. In fact I have a nickname called Small Bull.

I think I need to tell you more about my childhood in order to clear myself. My dad was a gangster(mobster) in his younger days. He quitted the gang when he got married to my mom. He was in the most notorious gang in his time and he was one of the pioneers which brought him some respect even after he left. One of the gang leaders (big brother), used to be my "god-father". So I learnt the way of the street since at a very young age and loyalty became one of my virtue.

I have seen drugs and know of its danger (under its influence or under the law) at the age of 8! Not that I have been a drug abuser at that age, just that I came in contact with many drug dealers and drug abusers. I was the "look-out" boy in few occasion, looking out for cops when the drugs were packed. I was brought along during drugs smuggling to give the smuggler some alibi. I guess that's the "perks" of having mobsters as family friends. But God was looking after me, and I was "spared" from these activity soon after.

Because of my family problems and growing up environment, I was never a push over in school (except Kindergarden). Infact, I'll have some sort of fights in school almost every year from my primary to secondary school years! It was like a yearly ritual that after I have collected my report card, I'll had some fights. I still remember my first fight, ruler fights, which I broke few of my Primary one classmates' rulers because they laughed at my big and ugly ruler (but I'm proud of it). Kekekekkee...

There are few fights that I'll always remember. Primary 3 I fought with a school bully because he was bullying my friend. I lost in the fight(I was not a bully in school ok) but I gained his respect after he knew that I fought because of my friend. Primary 5, because of a silly misunderstanding, i fought with another boy from another class. Tried to lie when questioned by my dad when i got home (he knew because a client of his has her son studying in the same school and saw the fight) and I got punished even more. But the cool thing was, I apologiesed to the kid i fought with the next day and we became best friend for the next few years after that. I just got to know today that he lost his twins. I am sorry brother. My condolences to you and Elpis. I pray that God will give you strength for you and your family during these time.

Then the "biggest" fight that I had was in Secondary 4 (Form 4). It was my biggest because we were surrounded by hundreds, if not thousands of students when the fight broke out. It happen during National Day Parade rehearsal in the city center. My class was nominated along with another class to represent my school for National Day Parade marching, and during that particular rehearsal, I lost my temper with another boy from another class and fight broke out between me and him in the middle of the field that all of us gathered together with all the other schools in Ipoh! Thank God I was not punished by the school or by my dad in that matter.

I once shouted at my secondary school gang leader and treaten him with the "or else" for calling my younger sister at night. I scolded an adult client (almost wanted to beat him) who tried to bully my mom in giving him other people's laundry and he never came back to the shop after that. I used vulgar words to scold my dad's client because he used vulgar words on my mom. He never dare to speak to me after that, that pimp!

By now you must think that I was a "monster" in school! Again you are wrong! From Primary 4 onwards, I was always in the first two top classes in school (Primary, Secondary till Pre-U). I was never in any gang (other than my Primary 6 Voltron gang, which I was the Black Lion lol) or do I smoke or steal or bully. All my teachers gave me good rating for my behavior in school. My relative and neighbours all like me for my good manner. They only don't like my temper. Hahahahaaa...

Well, that's all about my school "fighthing" days. If you find this as interesting reading, I promise you more to come. =)

As Mother's day is around the corner, next I'll blog about my wonderful mom. Stay tune!

Funny Korean gals

This is a very funny video. Something for the Mondays' blues. =)

Getting to know me.

Have been thinking bout my pass lately. Well, let see what I have been thinking. I was thinking bout my family, dad, mom, sis, younger sisters, second mom, god-mom, god-dad(just pass away in January) and my childhood.

If you notice, I have two moms, as in my dad has two wife. It's quite common for my dad's generation I guess but I do come from a "complex" family. I don't think I am from a "broken family" because we are very close knitted as a family and no one is broken. Kekekekkee...

Maybe I'll explain why I said my family is complex. First of all, let me say that my dad is a very good father, but he is not a very good husband (to both his wives). In fact, he was abusive towards them. In other words, he was a wife/wives beater. It started when I was still very young. I'm not even sure if the beating has started when I was younger but the first time I accounter my dad beat my mom was when I was six. Then he was having an affair with an Indian lady.

To make matter worst, or my growing up worst, was my cowardness towards my dad. I was so afraid of him until I dare not do anything to stop him from beating my mom. The first time I saw him beat my mom, I pretended to play with my toy car while my sis tried to stop him by pulling him away. I didn't know what to do and that became me for many years to come. I was always the child that stand aside and dare not interfere when my dad do his beating. The rest of my siblings will stand in between to stop him, but not me.

I was so ashamed of myself and became very timid and shy. I dare not do anything at home or in school. I was even bullied by a girl in Kindergarden! I don't dare to perform for my Kindergarden graduation even though my teacher encouraged me to (she saw me doing the dance went the rest was practicing on stage). I was psychologically broken. My younger sis has no respect for me because of my cowardness and they hate my for bossing around them.

But things changed when I was in primary school. The Indian lady ran away as she didn't want to break up my family (God bless her), but my dad get into another affair. And this time, she was pregnant with his baby. So she ended up being our second mom (I feel the word stepmom inappropriate as my mom is still married to my dad). The beating continue and she became a victim too soon after.

I hated my dad so much that once during my secondary school days, I took out a "Rambo" knive that I bought and though of how to kill my dad. I was sitting in my so call bedroom cum everyone's dinning room, and repeatedly stabbing the knive into a cardboard. I think I lost it for a while but thank God I didn't do anything stupid.

The first time I stood up to him when he beat my mom was when I was in JC (Form 6 in Malaysia). I was studying on the second storey when I heard something down in the shop (my dad used to own a laundry shop). I went down to find my dad had just beaten my mom. I was so angry that I closed my fists and stared hard at him and didn't say a word. He was very uneasy by that and after pacing up and down the shop, he shouted at me and said if I want to fight, let's go out of the shop and fight! I still didn't say a word and stared even harder at him. My mom hold me back and he left.

I cried after he left and went to the back lane and bang my fists on a piece of plank till my hand almost bleed. Everyone was supprised that I stood up to him, after keeping silence for so long. My dad didn't dare to beat or shout at my moms whenever I'm around. And I never speak to him after that.

I never want to erase these memories, not that I can, because it made me who I am today. If it is not because of my dad (through the bad things he has done to my moms) my family would not be so close knitted as now. I seldom shows my love to my siblings or my parents, but they know I love them dearly, even my dad (there's another story behind this). I love them and I'll never change the memories I have with them, ever.

So to my friends who don't know this part of my life (doubt anyone of you knows as I never share this to anyone before), don't "blame" your pass nor your parents, for everything that's happening now. You cannot change your pass, but you decide on your future.

Akerue, cheer up my friend. Let bygone be bygone. Be strong and know that I am here for you. Learn from your mistake and guard your heart carefully. Look thoroughly before you jump into another relationship.

More of my life stories to come.=)
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" - 2 Corinthians 5:17

Determination 2!

Ok ok. This is to explain why I put a title "Determination" on my previous, previous entry. For a very long time, I thought my weakness was my discipline, or the lack of it. But after praying to overcome this issue for some years, God reveal to me that my problem was not my lack of discipline, but it's my lack of determination. Well, the lack of discipline is a problem, but it is caused by my lack of determination. So the root of the problem in me is my determination. That's why I put "Determination" as the title of my 1st post of the year and the display name on my MSN Messenger. It is to remind me of what God has spoken to me few weeks ago. And I'm still trying to improve myself in this area (no improvement yet). So there you have it, the reason for "Determination". If you have any idea on how to have or improve ones determination, please add it in the comments. Will definately appreciate it. =) God has His timing. KK

Corrinne May

Uploaded some pictures from Corrinne May's concert. A bit back dated but what to do, I'm a procrastinator. Kekekeke The concert was marvelous. She sang 3 new songs to be included in her new album. The last song that she sang was "Beautiful Seed" which to me, referring to Jesus as the Beautiful Seed that make chnages in lives. It's beautiful.

(L-R) Steven, Janet and Corrinne.

This is Benny with Corrinne.

Lastly, Corrinne with me.

Determination!

It's been very very long since my last entry. Didn't bother at first as I only like to read and not write. Writing's not in my blood. You see, I'm a programmer by profession. Most of the things I write (80% of it) are computer codes. These are structured programming language, not any creative or spontaneous writing. BUT, I am inspired by some of the blogs that i came across lately, so here I am, adding entries to my blog. This blog was started in mid 2004 when my boss then, did a search on google to see if he can find his name listed anywhere. Well, none found. So he proceed to try our colleagues' names in google, and two names were found to be listed. One was on a University's news and the other on a blog. Hence he started his own blog hoping the next time he do a search on his name, he'll be able to find at least one listing. And I follow suite. =) Many things happen this year. Jan had Chinese New Year and I went back to Malaysia. Eat, sleep and watch TV occupied 80% of my time back home. But other than sleep, I did it all with together with my family. Missed them alot. Then back to Singapore, had to study for my exams. Took one week off to do just that. After my exams, went for Corrinne May's concert. It was fantastic! The first movie I watched this year is "Fearless". I'll give it a rating of 4 out of 5 stars. I found it to be quite touching and to be frank, I was on the verge of tearing. Kekekeke... why I was touch by the friendship shown in the movie. I'm always away from my family so friends have become very important to me. Had many nightmares too. Just had one on Sunday and another on Monday. I was woken up by one in the middle of the night and I can't stop praying after that. It was freaking scary that I felt like the devil was in my room. All I can do was to recite verses that I remember and pray for those I loved. Well, in the dream, few of my loved one were murdered and more were going to be murdered. That's the thing that make me scare. I don't want to loose anyone I love to the devil. Had Ministry Vision Nite on Tuesday lead by Ps Lawrence. Was very sleepy becase of the nightmare I had and didn't have enough sleep. So during the teaching, I make myself awake by imagining things. Like for instance, I imagined John Trovolta doing his Saturday Nite Fever dancing. Well, not to be chicky, but that's to remember the Ps LO's points. When John pointing his finger into the sky - it's point one, Aim high! Then John points down - Pay Now, and up again - Play Later! That's point two - Pay Now, Play Later! And John point down again - Decide Now! You got what I mean? =D And for this title, "Determination", I'll explain later. Kekekeke... Ciao!